


Long Distance

by flootzavut



Series: Next Time [15]
Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: Angst, Episode: s08e12 Dear Uncle Abdul, Episode: s11e16 Goodbye Farewell and Amen, Epistolary, F/M, Friendship, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Post-Canon, Prose and letters, Romance, Third Person POV, first person POV, nexttimeverse, queer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-28
Updated: 2018-09-06
Packaged: 2019-07-03 22:42:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15828423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flootzavut/pseuds/flootzavut
Summary: "BJ always reacts the same way to a letter from Maine."





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [onekisstotakewithme](https://archiveofourown.org/users/onekisstotakewithme/gifts).



* * *

_**Long Distance** _

* * *

 

BJ always reacts the same way to a letter from Maine. Excited, and scared. Peg thinks that if Hawkeye could see it, he might get a little more insight into how much BJ cares, how much he worries, how much he'd like to help if Hawkeye would let him.

She grasps BJ's shoulder and squeezes gently, and he smiles at her, sheepish, a little embarrassed, but grateful. He leans into the touch even as he opens the envelope, and she keeps hold of him while he scans the contents, till the tension falls away.

"I'm glad Hawkeye's all right."

He shakes his head. "You know, it's a good thing we live in the twentieth century, Peg," he says, with another little smile. "A few hundred years ago, they would've tried to burn you as a witch."

Peg laughs and kisses his forehead as she gets up from the breakfast table. "I'll leave you with your letter."

BJ grabs her hand and tugs her into a proper kiss. "I love you, Peggy Jane," he murmurs. "I'm the luckiest guy in the whole damn world."

It always makes her melt a little when he calls her that. "I love you, too." She pecks his lips again and picks Erin up to take her upstairs and change her. At the kitchen door she looks back; BJ seems engrossed in his letter, but he glances over at her and gives her the warm smile she fell in love with years ago.

Peg feels pretty darn lucky, too.

* * *

It's usually obvious within a few lines of any given letter how Hawk's doing, even if all he's talking about is the weather. His emotions are as close to the surface when he writes as they are on his face, and while BJ still can't quite trust he knows how Hawk feels about him, whether he's read the situation right, how Hawk feels about whatever's going on in his life this week is never difficult to figure out.

Letters like this, where his mood is buoyant and playful and full of humour, give BJ hope for Hawk's sanity, his future, his ability to get through all the hurt Korea laid on him. It's a glimpse of who Hawk was before the war, a man BJ both knows like the back of his hand and never met. The Hawk he caught glimpses of for years, who never could quite be flattened by the situation, who was equal to anything.

Almost anything.

As he reads, BJ can hear the regular noises of home, of family. Peg changing Erin, Erin babbling and cooing, Peg chatting to her. Simple, comforting sounds, though he'll never take them for granted.

Erin might be Hawkeye's biggest sticking point. He hasn't outright said it, but he skirts around it often enough, and BJ knows him well enough, for his fear to be palpable. He doesn't trust himself. By the sounds of it, he doesn't even trust himself with the young patients at his father's practice.  _I'm no paediatrician_ , he writes, often, as if he feels he has to excuse himself, but BJ saw him with too many kids before -  _before_  - to believe for a moment that Hawk doesn't (didn't) get on with them. The contrast makes BJ's heart ache.

He wishes he knew how to make Hawk truly believe it wasn't his fault, and what happened on that bus was a tragedy no one could have predicted or avoided. The only people to blame were those bastards who let the war drag on for almost three years, who put a child and its mother in danger.

BJ's sure Hawk will never forget, but hopes - has to hope - he'll eventually forgive himself. Letters like this, where Hawk gives his sense of humour free rein and lets himself believe there's goodness and joy in the world still, make BJ think that's not a pipe dream. 

> Dad told me another great old joke, but since you're a known joke thief, I'm saving it till I visit. I have to impress your wife somehow, Beej, and I figure making her laugh is a good start, but I'm not letting you steal credit. Did you ever tell her the bird joke? If you didn't, don't you dare tell her now. Phooey on your panache and your lilt, I will make her laugh till she cries.

As far as the outlook on getting Hawkeye here eventually goes, BJ figures this is as close to a guarantee as he's ever likely to get.


	2. Chapter 2

> It'll come as no surprise to you, Sidney, that I'm stupidly, recklessly, hopelessly in love with my erstwhile bunkie. You might be a little surprised I'm actually willing to admit it, but I know you had your suspicions long before I even realised. What gave it away?
> 
> So anyway: hopelessly in love with married roommate. I never could do anything the simple way. I'm going out to visit sometime soon (when I can actually bring myself to book tickets), and I'm both excited and terrified.
> 
> Beej knows me pretty well. No, really well. It's one thing keeping these feelings to myself when I'm thousands of miles away, but living in the same house? Spending time with his wife and daughter? I honestly don't know how I'll manage that without saying or doing something I shouldn't. I can't look at photos of them all without turning into a sentimental fool; how am I supposed to be around them 24/7 without blurting out all the confused emotions it'll dredge up?
> 
> It was different in Korea. We didn't have a choice about leaning on each other, relying on each other. It barely raised an eyebrow when that manifested itself in the kind of tender words or touches that we needed to get each other through it. But if BJ's visit taught me anything, it's that nothing has changed for me in that regard, and I can't imagine a scenario where I'm in close proximity to him and don't behave the same way I did back there. And what's acceptable in a war zone isn't the same as what's acceptable when you got out alive and are supposed to just be army buddies visiting each other.
> 
> (I mean... I did creep into his bed when he came here. I couldn't sleep and it was impossible to resist. And he didn't kick my ass. He didn't even kick me out. But I was in a bad way and his wife wasn't there, so... I don't know. I can't make sense of any of it, and I'm not sure I'm in a fit state to even try.)
> 
> Just for fun, because life can never be too complicated when you're Hawkeye Pierce, I'm also more than a little taken with his wife. The letter she wrote me, Sidney! I always figured she was special, you know? I mean, can you imagine BJ Hunnicutt married to someone ordinary? I sure as hell can't. Her love and compassion for a guy she's never met, though, her kindness and sweetness... it was beautiful. She made me cry.
> 
> Look, I know I'd probably have a lot of confusing feelings about her regardless. She's BJ's wife, it's natural, it's automatic for me to both care about her and to wish she didn't exist so I could have him. So far, so normal. I think.
> 
> But God, that letter. I don't even know what I said when I replied. I didn't dare reread it or I never would've sent it, but now I've no idea what I wrote, and I keep wondering if I said something I shouldn't.
> 
> Should I back out? I doubt they'd be surprised. I think Beej is starting to believe I want to visit, but I don't think he's gotten to the point where he thinks I will, and I can't honestly blame him for that.
> 
> I'm kind of a flake these days. A flake and a coward.
> 
> (You're shaking your head and tutting at me, I know. Look, I'm doing my best, Sidney, honest I am. I'm trying, I'm really trying, but after - after what happened... let's just say that not seeing myself as a murderer is progress. It is, isn't it? And I don't anymore. Mostly.)
> 
> I wish I could erase it all from my memory. Well. Not all. I wouldn't want to lose all the people I worked with. And if you offered me a choice where I could lose all the bad shit but I wouldn't remember BJ either, I don't think it would be worth it. Maybe if I hadn't been in Korea, I wouldn't need him so much, but now I just can't imagine not having him in my life. I don't even know if I'd survive, if I'm honest. (Sentimental fool - see, I told you. Do I get brownie points for self-awareness, or does it not count when you had to lead me there by the hand?)
> 
> God, I love him so much I'm a little embarrassed. Isn't it just callow youths who are supposed to be this lovesick?
> 
> Anyway.
> 
> I'll let you grill me about it next time we speak - or more honestly, I'll try. It's just sometimes, it's easier to write things down than to say them out loud. Saying things out loud makes them really real, you know?
> 
> (And I know, I know, that's kinda the point of it, but you know me. I'm the coward's coward. You might wanna have the thumbscrews at the ready.)
> 
> Thanks for everything, Sidney. I'd be locked up in a little rubber room if it weren't for you. Best case scenario. I'm saying this now since there's a reasonably good chance that when you do your shrink bit and point out everything I'm denying or repressing, I'll be a lot less polite about it. But I am, and I will be, so damn grateful, and I hope you know that. I owe you. I'll probably always be in your debt.
> 
> All my best,
> 
> Hawk

* * *


	3. Chapter 3

" _Hawk?_ "

"Beej!" Hawk's joy must be obvious, but he can't bring himself to care. They don't know anyone else who'd be calling from California, let alone from San Francisco itself, but Hawk never quite believes it until he hears BJ's familiar voice. Even hissy and low from the long-distance line, it's a tonic.

(That BJ will spend his money on a transcontinental call just to speak to Hawk will never stop being miraculous. And not just money, but time, which is still more precious for a dad and a doctor, and a large part of the reason Hawk's never been brave enough to initiate a call to the Hunnicutt household.)

" _How are you doing?_ "

Hawkeye laughs. "Much better now." Well, it's true.

" _It's so good to hear your voice_."

It's just as well this is only a phone call, so BJ can't see how Hawk smiles and blushes like a schoolgirl when he says things like that. "You too. How are you?"

Hawk is congenitally lacking in the ability to make small talk about inconsequential things, but news from BJ and his family never feels inconsequential. Hawk listens avidly, and when Beej says he can't speak for long, Hawk wants to distract him so he'll stay on the line - screw work and patients and all the other detritus of life which are so much garbage compared to BJ rambling about his wife and his daughter and his dog and his cat. It's selfish and ridiculous, Hawk knows that, but it's Beej, and he has no perspective where BJ is concerned.

" _I- I can't wait for you to come,_ " BJ says. There's a catch in his voice, and Hawkeye is caught between wanting to believe it's because BJ really does want him to visit, and the paranoid, messed up part of his brain saying BJ's just being polite, and his worry is that Hawk will take him up on it.

"I will, I promise."

Hawk knows it must ring hollow, given how often he's said it and how he hasn't taken a single step towards making it happen, but he wants to mean it, he wants to believe it's true. He's paralysed with desire and fear. Flying out to see Beej and his family is both something Hawk wants desperately to do and is so scared of, he doesn't even know where to start.

" _We can't wait,_ " BJ replies, sounding more sure this time. " _Hawk, I... I_ really _want you to come. A lot. I hope you know that. You do know that, right?_ "

This time it's Hawkeye whose voice wobbles when he tries to speak, because BJ sounds so sincere and so hopeful. He clears his throat and tries again. "I will," he says, with more conviction. "I promise, Beej. No bullshit."

BJ laughs, so soft and low on the faint connection, Hawkeye's sure he would've missed it except that he knows the sound so well. " _I'll hold you to that._ "

There's a comfortable silence. It's too bad long distance calls cost so much, because Hawk could sit here and listen to BJ breathe all day.

"I miss you," he says at last. It's totally unplanned, it just falls out of his mouth, but there are worse things he could say, so he holds his breath and hopes he hasn't revealed too much.

" _Oh_ God _, Hawk. Me too. Me too. You have no idea._ "

Hawkeye grins at the ceiling in relief and bites his lip so he doesn't spill out something more dangerous.

" _God, I miss you, Hawkeye Pierce_."

Hawk wants to bathe in BJ's tone. "I'll come soon," he says, and finally he sounds like he means it, even to himself. 'Fessing up to Sidney helped more than he expected it to.

Evidently Beej can hear it too. " _Good._ " (Hawk can tell he's smiling.) " _Because otherwise I'd have to come and kidnap you, and I don't want to worry your father_."

They both laugh, then BJ sighs. " _I wish I didn't have to, but I really gotta go, Hawk._ "

"Yeah." Hawk swallows. "Thank you-"  _for existing, for caring about me_  "- thanks for calling, Beej."

BJ pauses; Hawk can almost hear him thinking. " _Come soon, Hawk._ "

"I promise."

Another long sigh, then the click of BJ putting the phone down as gently as possible. He still doesn't say goodbye, but Hawk understands now, and besides, it's easy to forgive when BJ spent precious minutes and a small fortune to call him.

He isn't about to go book tickets to San Francisco right this second, but he's starting to believe that he will, that he  _can_. That he's not a fool for wanting to.

"I love you," he tells the silent line. Maybe one of these days, he'll be able to tell Beej that, too.


	4. Chapter 4

> Hawkeye darling,
> 
> You sweet boy. I could never hate you. You mean so much to us. I wish I could explain to you how much, make you understand.
> 
> I know you think you're too broken or too hurt to be loveable, but darling, it just isn't true. You have no idea how much BJ wishes he could have protected you better, but we want so badly to take care of you, to help you heal. Being hurt doesn't make you bad, Hawkeye. Being broken doesn't make you worthless.
> 
> I don't know how to convince you; I just wish you would come to us and let us take care of you for a little while.
> 
> Please, darling. Come soon.
> 
> Much love,
> 
> Peg

* * *

When Daniel arrives back home, Hawkeye doesn't even realise, doesn't hear the door open or his father calling out a greeting.

He's engrossed in another letter from Peggy - another wondrous, miraculous letter from Peggy, who he's more and more certain is no regular, ordinary human being. It's short, it doesn't even fill one page, but he's spent his whole morning reading and rereading it, because if he takes his eyes off of it, he's afraid somehow it'll change or disappear, or he'll forget for a moment how someone he's never even met cares about him so deeply. If he thought the first letter Peg sent was hard to answer, he has no idea how to go about responding to this one.

So it isn't until the door of the den opens, and he glances up to see his father looking rather harried, that he knows he's no longer alone in the house.

"Ben!"

"Hey, Dad."

He doesn't expect Daniel to stride across the room and tug him out of his chair and into a hug. "Ben."

Hawk chuckles and hugs him back. "You okay, Dad?"

"I just... I didn't know where you were."

Hawk has gotten the feeling lately that his father half-expects him to run away, or worse, and while part of him wants to tell Daniel off for imagining terrible things, given how close he's come to doing the something worse several times since he got back home, he can't blame Daniel for worrying.

"I'm fine, Dad. Really. I'm sorry, I was just caught up in my letter."

Daniel nods and clutches Hawkeye a little closer. "I love you, Ben," he says.

He's taken to saying that a lot more often of late, and it's... nice. Hawk never doubted his father loves him, but he's never felt as unloveable as he has since he got back from the war. Hearing the words over and over is more reassuring than he'd like to admit.

"I love you, and I'm so proud of you. Your mother would be proud of you too."

Both the words and the deep emotions behind them have Hawk blinking back tears and swallowing against the lump in his throat. It's hard, still, and sometimes he gets furious with Beej and Dad and everyone who expects him to keep going when it hurts so much. He still rails against it, it still isn't fair. But at the same time, he's glad BJ made him promise.

He knows he could do that to his father (and to Beej), he knows that on the very worst days, it's not only possible but very easy to convince himself that they would be better off without him.

But he doesn't want to. When he's in his right mind, he's sure of that - he doesn't want to leave his father grieving and broken, he doesn't want to break his word to BJ (he doesn't want to never see BJ again) - and if the tacit promise to his father and the overt one to BJ keep him alive when he can't do it for himself, then as much as he sometimes gets incredibly angry, he's also glad, glad he has people who will keep him going through the hard times so he has a chance to get back to the good times. Glad he's getting the chance his mom didn't get, the chance Adelaide's mind wouldn't let her have.

"You have a letter too," he says, once Daniel finally lets him go. It's another one addressed to 'Danny Pierce', and Hawk's desperate to know who it could possibly be from, but his father is unusually close-mouthed about it. Given how patient and gentle Daniel's been with him and all his memories and troubles, though, he can't do less than give Daniel the same consideration. Maybe it's a friend of his mom's, maybe it's someone Daniel knew when he was a kid, but whoever it is, Hawk will be patient until Daniel is ready to tell him. Whoever puts such an eager expression on his dad's face is all right with him.

Daniel looks at Hawk again, looks him right in the eye. "I am so, so proud of you, Benjamin," he says, using the name that reminds Hawk both painfully and beautifully of his mom. "Never forget that." He takes Hawk's face in both hands and kisses his forehead, as if Hawkeye is a little boy again, and it's strangely comforting. Then he takes his letter and leaves Hawk alone with his thoughts.


	5. Chapter 5

> Dear BJ and Peggy,
> 
> I hope my letter finds you both well.
> 
> I don't quite know how to write this, or even whether I should. I feel I should tell you that Ben...
> 
> How should I start? He's struggling. I very much appreciate that you visited, BJ - it did him the world of good ~~and may have saved his life~~
> 
> I don't know if you realise just how much it meant to him - indeed, to both of us. I think you are a remarkable young man, and as I said to you when we met, I am forever grateful Ben had someone like you to serve beside.
> 
> He isn't suited for a war zone. I'm sure you know that - you seem to know my son rather well.
> 
> If he had been there in a different capacity, or with different people, or if anything had been other than it was... I'm not sure he would ever have come home. I know you are a huge part of why he did. I want to say thank you. But it seems paltry. How can a mere thank you suffice for saving my son's life again and again? For giving him hope? For loving him when he feels profoundly unloveable? ~~BJ, your presence in his life means everything to him.~~
> 
> I mean to say-
> 
> I'm not really writing this for you, am I? You surely know everything I should tell you, and almost everything I want to tell you.
> 
> I'm certain you are very aware of my son's weaknesses. You seem perceptive and kind; even if you don't realise that he's in love with you, BJ, then you must at least know he loves you very deeply, and holds your wife and daughter in something approaching reverence. Peggy, I don't know if I could begin to tell you how much your letters have meant to him. He reads and rereads them as if they were holy scripture.
> 
> I want to tell you he's struggling, tell you about those empty bottles, about how afraid I am. I feel you should know. But I don't know how to tell you without making you worry, and that is the very last thing I want to do. Or the second last; the thing I want least to do is to betray Ben's trust, even by accident, and it would be so easy to say too much.
> 
> All the same, I wish I knew how to tell you.
> 
> Being here is not doing Ben any good at all. He's holding on, he's managing, but I want much more for him than simple survival.
> 
> Probably the best thing I could do for Ben at the moment would be to bundle him onto an aircraft and send him to you. I'm starting to wonder if I should do exactly that.

* * *


End file.
